wakey wakey hands off snakey
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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