HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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