my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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