i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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