I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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