They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
