And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
