I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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