2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
