JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
