Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
