Banned from zoo.
Again?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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