i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
