You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I need to calm my uterus...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
