So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
