If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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