your parents love me but you hate me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
