i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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