Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
