seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize