All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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