Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We need a shit load of segways right now
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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