either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
