Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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