she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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