I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
