What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize