My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
