i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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