remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
