dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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