Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
