normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
