this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My penis needs a shock collar
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize