wrigley field is MILF paradise
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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