She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
