bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
