I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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