I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
