I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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