no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
