Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
