Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
