Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
