hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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