Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
