I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
