I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
