I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
