Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
