weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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