if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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