Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
How's work?
Spinning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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