when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize