the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
