Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
